Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I Love Black People! Love, #disnigga

Dear Madonna,

I just wanted to say thank you. As a 45-year-old white woman, I now have hope, and I owe it all to you. You've made me see that I can be white, middle-aged and "down" at the same time. Impending menopause doesn't have to mean forfeiting my shot at street cred. You're 55, and you can still ride or die with your 13-year-old son, Rocco.

Don't worry about all that flak you caught for taking a photo of him and his friends holding bottles of booze and posting it online. It's okay because it was New Year's Eve. What happens on New Year's Eve stays on New Year's Eve, right? It's not like you were condoning underage drinking. Those bottles were sealed shut, and it's not like Rocco is old enough to drink and drive.

What right do people have to question your mothering skills anyway? Didn't they see you and Rocco on Ellen? He said that you're a good mom, and that you're strict. And I believe I read somewhere when Lourdes was younger that you didn't allow her to watch television. I remember thinking, Madonna needs to be teaching parenting seminars. That's how you raise children to be fine, upstanding pillars of the community.

You can be the strict parent, and you can still be a cool parent, too. You're on Instagram, and you even know how to use those numeral-sign things. What do they call them again? Hash browns? You even know how to misspell correctly when posting a photo of your son in boxing gear: "#disnigga." How amazing is that? Oh, and kudos to you for encouraging him to learn self-defense. Boxing isn't just for black people, you know.

I loved your reference to LL Cool J in the message that accompanied the Instagram pic. He was my first-ever crush on a black guy. I was pushing 20, and I felt like I was born again. As you know, nothing makes you feel better about yourself, and better than other white people, quite like lusting after a black man, or better yet, sleeping with one.

You've done both, so why are all those haters getting on your dick about a silly little "nigga"? It's not like your son isn't white. It's not as if you were talking about a black person. You were just having some fun, showing the world how a 55-year-old woman can still be relevant and cool. Who are those haters to call you a racist? I'm pretty sure you voted for Barack Obama in the last U.S. Presidential election.

I mean, look at everything you've done for black people. You went to Africa and adopted two of their babies. You've collaborated with black producers, performed with fellow black artists at the Super Bowl, and you dated Dennis Rodman in the '90s. Can a white person get less racist than that? Some of your biggest fans are black, gay, and gay and black. You appeal to everyone. You certainly can't get more open-minded than that.

I don't understand why everyone is so up in arms because you are bonding with your son on his own terms, using his generation's terms, talking the way he and friends probably do. Aren't all the white kids into rap music? Aren't they all saying "nigga" these days as a way of copying their pop-culture heroes? It's okay for Eminem to use the N word in his music, and Quentin Tarantino can win an Oscar for writing a screenplay that's loaded with the N word, so why can't you use it?

Now those evil plantation owners in Django Unchained were the real racists. And did you see 12 Years a Slave? That was such a brutal movie, so hard to watch, but so important. After watching it, I felt a lot better about myself as a white person because we've come so far. Did people really ever treat their fellow human beings like that? Everyone needs to see that movie. By giving it the Best Picture Oscar, the Academy will prove to the world how far we've come. It shows you what real racism is, how truly racist people behaved.

Thank God the world isn't like that anymore. Things have really improved for black people everywhere, even in Africa. We just got back from a holiday in Cape Town. Have you been? It's wonderful, so European and not at all what you would expect Africa to be like. We felt so comfortable and safe in our hotel in Camps Bay. We were surrounded by other white people on holiday. so we weren't the only ones who didn't have a problem being in a country where the majority of people are black.

I'd happily let them cook for me and clean up after me. Boy, those black people have come a long way. And they all seemed perfectly content. By the end of our holiday, I wasn't sure that racism even exists anymore. Everyone seemed to be living in perfect harmony, whites on their side, blacks on theirs, wherever that was. Isn't this the way God intended it to be?

So considering how great things are between black and white people, I don't understand why the haters are giving you such a hard time for one little word, poking the bear with a stick when he really needs to stay sleeping. You were just having a fun. It's not even like you used the real N word. You said "nigga." That proves you not only are not racist, but you're not stuck in the past either. You're vocabulary is current. It's not like you called gay people "perverted" like that guy on The Bachelor. It's not like you were even talking about a black person. Your son is white. Why do black people always have to be so defensive about everything? It's not like they don't use the word to describe other black people. But you don't see anyone calling Jay-Z a racist.

My husband doesn't agree with me. He says that nobody should use the N word in any form because it's vile -- not Jay-Z, not Eminem and definitely not a washed-up white pop star making one final gasp for credibility. I said, "Nigger, please," and left the room. Oh, did I mention that my husband is black? I can use that word because I'm married to a black man. Like you said, it's a term of endearment. I'm married to a black man, so I can't be racist.

And neither are you, Madonna, so don't listen to the haters. They're just jealous. You're 55, and you can still hang with the kids. What does it matter that they're your own kids? Unlike Jay-Z and Beyoncé, you made a choice to have black kids. What black celebrity has ever done that? But maybe you should do what I did and marry a black guy. Next time you go to Africa to pick up a baby, get yourself a man while you're at it. They're not so good-looking in Tanzania, but in the Democratic Republic of Congo, they're top of the line.

If that doesn't finally get you your ghetto pass, nothing will.


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