Saturday, June 13, 2015

10 things everybody loves that I just don't get

the beach: What kind of Sydney-sider am I? I think I might find baking on the sand more bearable if people (especially Sydney-siders!) didn't make me feel like such a weirdo for preferring to chill out elsewhere. How about at the pool (in a prime UV-protected covered spot)...or indoors...or anyplace where I won't be risking wrinkles and where I won't end up shedding grains of sand for weeks?

Bruno Mars: He's perfectly harmless, and there lies his problem. He's scrubbed so bright, clean and neat that my skin kind of hurts just thinking about him. The oxymoronically titled "Uptown Funk" sounds like a styled-within-an-inch-of-his-calculated-scruff guy who's spent too much time staring at himself in the mirror perfecting the "messy" look. Bruno is a talented guy, but if I never again heard any of his songs, I probably wouldn't even notice.

coffee: I've gone so long without ever even tasting it that at this point, it's become a thing. Drinking coffee now -- even trying it for the first time -- would be, in the immortal words of Sophia Petrillo, like getting tackled on the 1 yard line.

couch pillows: Too much work. I hate having to fluff them and adjust them every time I get off the couch. It would make more sense to just buy a comfortable sofa with no movable parts.

Foo Fighters: It would take a strong, strong man to break his leg onstage in concert, be carted offstage on a stretcher, get fixed up backstage, and return to finish the show. Dave Grohl makes a blood-splattered Enrique Iglesias look like a coaster. The show must go on has never been more true. I'd probably be even more impressed if I cared about Foo Fighters, but I can't name a single one of their songs.

The Olympics: I pretty much lost interest after Bruce Jenner became a star at the 1976 event. I was seven years old, and he was the first celebrity I ever crushed on. The only thing that could pique my interest in the Olympics now would be if Caitlyn Jenner decided to make a comeback at the next one.

reality TV: I've said it before, and I'll probably continue to say it until reality TV is dated history. If I wanted to see "real" people, I'd turn off the TV and go outside. There are real people everywhere. But I'm a lot more interested in living my own life than I am in watching theirs.

sunglasses: I always feel like I'm not seeing everything whenever I wear them.

taking baths: For the first minute after my body adjusts to the nearly unbearable hot water, I can kind of understand why people get into them. But by the second minute, I'm just going through the motions of relaxation, thinking about the shower I'm going to have to take afterwards to actually get, you know, clean.

zombies: My friend Marcus once tried to explain to me what they are. I'm still not sure I understand, but if I do, why would anyone love something like that? Aren't they basically ghosts with bad fashion and terrible grooming that everyone can see?

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