Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rated X! Australians boys gone wild online!

Now I've officially heard everything.

After a year and a half away from the online hook-up scene, I decided to check out the action on Manhunt Australia about a week after my arrival in Melbourne and created a profile with six photos that revealed nothing below the waist. Among the things I learned during the first 24 hours -- an acquaintance I made in Buenos Aires a couple of years ago is now studying in Melbourne, and gay guys in Australia, apparently, are even more comfortable with online nudity than the ones in Argentina -- I discovered that the art of the perfect come-on isn't lost only on Argentines.

Oh, and that a dog in heat will say just about anything! I've got enough material to fill up weeks worth of blog posts, but after a while, all the dirty stuff starts to blend into one giant bag of trash. So I'm sharing the best stuff -- my 10 funniest Melbourne Manhunt messages. Of course, it's not all lust and lewdness around there -- some of the messages are polite and actually kind of sweet. But the more colorful ones make me wonder how many seemingly perfect gentlemen whom we meet through normal offline channels are privately talking trash online, sort of like Belle/Hannah's seemingly straight-and-narrow book editor on Secret Diary of a Call Girl who had a fondness for hookers off the clock. It's something to think about the next time a guy on the corner wearing an expensive designer suit catches your eye.

Warning! These are not for the prudish or the homophobic. Some of it gets kind of graphic. Nausea might ensue, then laughter.

1) "ever free wed nights or thursday mornings?"
Thursday mornings? I was tempted to respond just to find out what -- or whom -- has got him so tied up the rest of the week.

2) "Fuck me"
Short, not so sweet and straight to the point. Sometimes, though, less is just less.

3) "how big is that cock of yours?"
Ah, penis size -- a recurring theme down under. I guess it's not just an Argentine obsession! Perhaps I was under that impression because I'd never done the online thing until I moved there.

4) "yum u should charge to let ppl blow u ;)"
Something to consider if the job search doesn't work out?

5) "Hey dude how's it going. You look really hot ;-) I'm coming to Melb for a holiday in may and am looking for any black guys that are interested in meeting. I've never been with a black guy b4 so would love to meet someone. I'm a bttm and I'm friendly and chilled. Anyway dude let me know if you're interested. No stress if you're not. I thought it was worth a try lol
Cheers ;-)"
Ah, the dreaded chocolate queen! A word of advice to any who might be reading this: If you're jonesing to go black for the first time, keep it to yourself. You'll increase your chances of success.

6) "I'm guessing ur not interested..apparently I'm the worlds best deepthroater.....not to mention a great fuck ;) But thats cool if I'm not ur thing I'm not ur thing..thats life eh.
I love to please hot tops, I'm obsessed with black dudes, not indian, nothing else, african all the way.
let me know if you change ur mind, take it easy"
I've got to give this one credit for being persistent. I never responded to his messages, but he kept trying, and although he lost his cool (if he ever had any), he never lost his temper, which his Argentine equivalent probably would have done around the third unanswered message.

7) "Would love 2 suck your cock sometime.
If interested,let me know. xx"
Got it.

8) "damn honey, you are sooooo damn fine :) experience raging bottom here :)"
"Raging bottom" sounds unappealing and kind of unhealthy.

9) "hows things..
hot profile and pics there :)
where in melb are you?
would love to lie back and watch yr body as yr pumping me sometime... looks hot as.
interested, let me know.
Just what I've been looking for, a lazy bottom who doesn't know how to spell.

10) "hey man
last black dude i was with had a hugely thick dick.. couild barely get it in.. is that common??"
Stop! In the name of love! It's the man of my dreams!


Alexi said...

LOL! I wonder if these boys will sue you for copyright infringement?

Jeremy Helligar said...

Haha, Alexi! I was tempted to include some of their Manhunt names,some of which are as funny as their messages, but I figured that might really get me into trouble!