SHUT UP AND KISS ME!

Last week, I was talking to my friends Cara and Mariem about sex talk -- both dirty and otherwise -- and I had the strangest feeling of deja vu. Where had I had this conversation before? Bingo! I'd heard the very same conversation twice before, on episodes of two of my all-time favorite TV shows, The Golden Girls and Sex & The City. I'll never forget Golden Girl Dorothy Zbornak's declaration that she always felt talking during sex was "unladylike."

I kind of agree. And I don't think it suits gentlemen very well either. Now, I'm not above a little sexy small talk pre- and post-coitus, especially post-, when total silence would be, like, totally awkward (unless, of course, you are as gorgeous as Juliette Binoche and Daniel Day-Lewis -- above -- then it just increases your movie-star mystique). But during -- and doing -- the act, words should be used sparingly. I've been known to insert the odd grunt here and there to let my partner know that I'm still awake -- and alive. And occasionally, I'll "ooh" and "aah" as a kind of verbal instruction manual: Yeah, yeah, keep it right there. Unfortunately, not every guy catches my drift.

But mid-coitus, actions speak louder than words. One sweet and tender "I love you" right before The Moment is worth a thousand words at any other coital point. Once I was with a guy I was kind of crazy about, and he kept exclaiming, "Me encanta! Me encanta!" over and over, louder and louder, while we were "hacer el amor." (Oh dear, the phrase "making love" sounds corny in every language.) I thought to myself, Okay, I'm glad you love it, but please stop saying it. He didn't. I knew right then and there that we would never pass that way again. We didn't.

Before you all start giving me strange looks, I didn't break up with him over his bedside manner, but perhaps my inkling played a role in things going from sweet to sour in seemingly record time. Next time, I'll be ready with the perfect comeback: "Me encanta también! Now, shut up and kiss me!"