LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD; IN BUENOS AIRES, DATING IS A PLAYGROUND

Last week I was nearly bored to death. I went out with this guy, and the two hours or so that we spent together were actually duller than watching paint dry. There was nothing wrong with the guy per se. He was perfectly nice and a perfect gentleman. But we just didn't have any chemistry. I spent the entire time praying for it to be over soon (which, come to think of it, I've been doing on every date I've been on since returning to BA one month ago).

When we parted ways, I thought that would be that, and for exactly eight days, it was. Then last night, he unexpectedly sent me the following instant message:

"si no te gsute decie asi te elimino"

Aside from the fact that his syntax is laughable, threatening me with expulsion from your list of MSN contacts if I don't give you the time of day pronto might be a good way to get my attention, but it's the worst possible way to hold it. I was actually kind of relieved, though. Now my ignoring him -- as he was me, by the way -- was justified. Guys in Buenos Aires can be ridiculously whiny at times, and although communication is a two-way street, when you don't talk to each other for a while, they can make it seem like it's totally your fault.

It's another example of their spectacular narcissim and insecurity (a deadly combination, but here they always seem to go hand in hand?), and one of the many reasons I've almost completely lost interest in them. A couple of weeks ago, I received three text messages at six in the morning from someone I had once gone out with who had seen me in a nightclub. Each text said the same thing: "No me hablas." Oh dear, here we go again! My question to him, which I didn't bother asking, was, do your legs and lips work? Why didn't you come up to me and say hello if it's important enough to you to send me three text messages. I don't understand why these guys have to be so off-puttingly passive-aggressive. Perhaps that's how the mating game is played here. Where I come from, it's a complete turn off.

But I forgot I'm dealing with children. I won't be saying anything to that guy the next time I see him, and he pretends not to see me, and I was relieved that I now had the perfect excuse to continue ignoring last week's date.

In fact, I took it one step further. Just so he got the message loud and clear, I promptly deleted him from my MSN. Next time he wants to get my attention, a simple "hello" (or in his case, a badly spelled "hloa") would do.

Playtime is over.