SMACK THAT!

Another night, another comedy of errors. But almost as if to remind me that creeps come from every country, this one wasn't from Argentina. He's visiting Buenos Aires from Croatia. He's here semi-long term to improve his Spanish. I'm not sure what his name is. I asked him several times but couldn't understand what he was saying. Eventually, I just gave up.

He caught my eye within minutes of my arrival at the bar Sitges with my friend Mariem. (She and I met there about three years ago, and we were sort of reliving that magical night.) As I walked by him, our eyes locked. I stepped back, said hi, and introduced myself. After I gave up mangling the pronunciation of his name, we talked small, very small. He told me where he's from and what he's doing in BA. I stifled a yawn. Then he cut to the chase.

"I've never been with a black guy. I have a big cock. Do you want to go into the bathroom and show me yours? You can play with mine."

Damn! I thought I'd heard everything, and I pretty much have. But what an opening line!

"That's not really my kind of thing. Sorry," I replied, and marched off. My friend Mariem wanted to have a cigarette in the smoking room. I don't smoke, and normally I avoid smoking rooms like the plague, but I was desperate to get away from the horny Croatian.

Within minutes, though, he found me in my hiding place. He apologized for his forwardness earlier, and asked if we could hang out. I wasn't sure about this one. I didn't say yes or no. I knew he wasn't going to be the love of my life -- or the love of my night -- but damn, he was cute. He invited me to sit down -- on his lap. I resisted for a while, but eventually, I relented and got on top of him. Before long, his hands were all over the place. I was pretty embarrassed, but I didn't protest loudly or convincingly. Damn, he was so cute! But then his hand went a bit too low for comfort. What?! We hadn't even kissed yet!

"Um, what are you doing?"

"Nothing. (Pause) Do you want to get out of here?"

"I don't think so. And furthermore, I never have sex with a guy unless there is kissing involved. Why have you tried to do everything to me but kiss me?"

That's when he said the most shocking thing of all -- and considering the bullshit he had been spewing for the better part of a half hour, that was no small accomplishment.

"I don't like to kiss. I read that hepatitis can be transmitted by kissing, and I don't want to get it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So he has no problem publicly mauling a stranger, sucking and fucking, pulling out all the stops in the bathroom, but he's afraid of kissing?

"Well, why don't you dig a grave and lie in it, because you're going to die anyway?" I said. I'd heard someone say that once in college, and I'd always wanted to use it myself.

He laughed and tried to redeem himself by kissing me, but it was too little and too late. He wasn't going to go down (pun intended) without a fight, and I wasn't going to let him go down, period. By now his appeal, always somewhat shaky, had dwindled down to zero.

"Goodbye." I got up and beelined for the bathroom. Stupidly, I didn't lock the stall, and moments later, the door opened. I turned around and saw him standing there, ready to play. He was unbuttoning his jeans.

"What the hell are you doing? Get out of here!" I yelled. I pushed him out, and scurried to another stall. This time, I locked the door behind me.

The Croatian was no longer my problem. But less than 15 minutes later, he was someone else's. There he was, his body pushing another guy's against the wall. I rolled my eyes, and went back to Mariem. "What happened to that guy?" she asked a little bit later. "He was really cute."

"Look over there." I pointed to where he and his conquest had moved. Mariem walked away, and I went back to ordering our drinks, not paying attention to where she had gone. When she returned, she told me that she'd confronted the Croatian. She offered him a few choice words and ended her speech with a slap across his face. I laughed for a good minute.

Now I don't want anyone to think I'm condoning violence, because I don't. But this guy obviously doesn't know anything about appropriate behavior, and I'm sure it wasn't the first time his actions had resulted in a smackdown. My biggest regret of the evening, after sitting on his lap in the first place, was missing Mariem's hand connecting with his face. This was one time when I was happy to let someone else have the punch line.