Sunday, January 15, 2012

Burning Questions: 'One Life to Live' Finale Edition

WTF?! Oh my Victor Lord Jr.! He's alive!
Although I would give the Friday the 13th One Life to Live series finale an A for almost awesome (the final frame of Victor Lord Jr. was a truly WTF moment that I can't imagine anyone saw coming and the perfect cap to nearly 44 years of Friday cliffhangers), that doesn't mean there weren't enough gaping holes in the weeks leading up to it for me to fit my entire body through and some true head scratchers. Here are 10 of them.

1. If Todd Manning is smart enough to get Cole Thornhart out of jail free, why did he bungle his own cover-up? I'm still trying to figure out why we needed to spend so much time with Langston and Markko, two characters nobody missed or ever really cared about, on finale day, but more than that, how did Todd get Cole off of that hospital gurney and into the free world? And if Cole's showing up in L.A. as Starr's "bodyguard" (which was so ridiculous, though the Cole recast -- the magnificent Van Hughes -- looked cute in a suit) means that he's cleared of Eli Clarke's murder, how did Todd manage to beat someone else's murder rap? Had he applied the same expert cunning to his own situation, Tomas Delgado would have been toast the minute Todd decided to frame him for the "murder" of Victor Lord Jr.

2. Don't LaBoulaie and Llanfair have security? Kidnappers, murderers and crazy people (including, most recently, Allison Perkins) come and go in and out of two of Llanview's top three estates as they please because there's no security around to stop John McBain and his police force from interrupting Todd and Blair upstairs at LaBoulaie, mid-coitus. That said, the look on Blair's face when McBain told Manning that he was under arrest for the "murder" of Victor Lord Jr. was priceless. Undermined yet again by her horrible taste in men and her raging sex drive!

3. So Marty Saybrooke is a murderer then? Kudos to head writer Ron Carlivati for finally fixing Jessica's paternity, but couldn't he also have undone the botched exit of Marty, one of OLTL's heritage characters? Her portrayer, who is the only OLTL actress other than Erika Slezak to win more than one Daytime Emmy (please correct me if I'm wrong), deserved so much more.

4. Do guns cause only minor flesh wounds? Both Viki and Bo Buchanan were shot, on the brink of death, and out of the hospital in what appeared to be only a day or two. I understand that the show needed to wrap things up outside of their hospital rooms, but it's not like these characters, like the actors who portray them, aren't in their 60s! Also, a final scene between the Buchanan brothers -- Bo and Clint -- was in order, especially since they were both at the hospital making record-breaking recoveries at the same time. Maybe they caught up in heaven, off screen.

5. What happened to Troy and Lindsay? Perhaps these questions were to be answered in Prospect Park's online version of OLTL, but since that won't be happening, does that mean Troy McIver got away with the attempted murder of Bo (a crime for which Roxy's biological son Schuyler is rotting in Statesville) and the kidnapping of his wife Nora, Llanview's District Attorney? And after jumping through Bo's hoops to prove herself a changed woman, did Lindsay Rappaport really take the car and run? Not that she didn't have every reason to. If Cole can get sprung from prison after killing Eli, and Matthew doesn't get to rack up a behind-bars tab for murdering Eddie Ford in cold blood (maybe months in a coma is punishment enough?), she shouldn't have to serve another minute for offing Spencer Truman.

6. Speaking of comas, does Nigel lapse into one at night? He must, otherwise he would have heard all of the ruckus going on in the Llanfair living room the night Allison Perkins came for a visit and dropped the bombshell of Jessica's true paternity, shot Viki and nearly caused Clint's Stacy Morasco heart to stop beating.

7. Who "killed" Victor Lord Jr. ? Since he's undead, it certainly wasn't Todd. And since Allison Perkins was behind bars, it wasn't her either. I'm assuming she was either masterminding the duping of Llanview from Statesville (major eye roll!), or she uncovered the plot after her Llanfair shooting spree. I guess we'll find out when the Mannings and McBain cross over to General Hospital in February, but doesn't that show already have enough storyline problems and gaping plot holes of its own? Of course, I'd be willing to sit through it for Tea Delgado vs. Sonny Corinthos. Pretty please?

8. Dear Rex, Gigi and Shane: Leaving so soon? Do art schools in London really send out acceptance letters giving students all of one day to pack up and relocate to a new country? That's nearly as implausible as Christian Vega getting that job offer in Spain and having to accept and move there in one night, or direct flights from Llanview, Pennsylvania, to Rio de Janiero, or plastic surgery that can make you look exactly like someone else.

9. Is Judith Light OLTL's only heritage character? (And is that 1979 clip of her on the witness stand the only one remaining from her six-year stint on the show?) I know the actress formerly best known as housewife by day, hooker by night Karen Wolek declined the invitation to appear on OLTL in its final months, but she's hardly the only vet that we would have loved to see. What about Michael Storm as Larry Wolek, Ellen Holly as Carla Hall and Al Freeman Jr. as Ed Hall? They're all still alive (R.I.P. Jacqueline Courtney, aka Pat Ashley, one of my all-time favorite OLTL heroines) and much more worthy of finale screen time than Langston and Markko.

10. Are Kassie DePaiva (Blair) and James DePaiva (ex-Max) on the rocks? During their Friday appearance on The View, the couple, who met costarring on One Life to Live and have now been married 15 and a half years, couldn't have appeared more uncomfortable. After they sat down, James had to motion for Kassie to sit closer to him, and when one of the co-hosts asked how long they've been married and Kassie answered, she couldn't help but toss in a little aside: "Feels more like 30!" Isn't time supposed to fly when you're having fun?

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