"Everything popular is wrong." - Oscar Wilde…or whoever
I'm now old enough to have outgrown my youthful concurrence with one of the greatest aphorisms Oscar Wilde may or may not have ever uttered. Yet, I must
make a concession: In the immortal words of The Cult, I am the king contrary man.
I knew this for sure after I wrote my last blog post, published it, and then realized how many things I left off the list. The Dutch woman on the Serengeti safari I took last year was right: I must be from another planet. She said this after I made yet another pronouncement that sounded like
Martian-speak to her ears. (I think it was something about my distaste for chocolate - see below.)
Anyway, here's my second list of things you probably love that I can really live without:
"Billie Jean":
The cold, harsh truth: For the biggest album of all time, Michael Jackson's Thriller sounds incredibly dated today. I'd much rather listen to Bad,
Dangerous, or the new tracks on HIStory. "Billie Jean" may still get the most posthumous play, but if it were up to me, I'd never ever have to hear it again. As '80s Michael Jackson thrillers go, "Smooth Criminal"
is the baddest, most dangerous one of all. Proof:
cats:
I'm allergic to them, but sneezing aside, I don't understand why anyone would choose to live with a cat, which is like a lover who keeps turning his back
to you in bed. I'd prefer a dog, which is like the ultimate cuddler/spooner.
chocolate:
It's tolerable in white. The rest of it is too bitter for a sweets guy like me. I'd rather skip the medium-brown stuff unless there's a fruit filling attached.
Even then, dark chocolate still makes me wince.
garlic:
I'm allergic to it, which makes everyday life extremely difficult because they seem to sneak it into everything. Including some people's mouthwash! Yuck!
ice cream:
I don't dislike it, but I've never really understood its temptation status. I probably haven't had a scoop since I left Buenos Aires in 2011, and I
definitely don't miss it.
James Bond:
I care about 007 only because he's inspired so many great songs.
Modern Family:
Not funny. I'm pretty much guaranteed to hate any laugh-track-free show that tries to sell the sort of ironic hipster humor over which Entertainment Weekly salivates. That's why I never got into 30 Rock, The Office, Community, Parks and Recreation, or, well, being EW's TV editor. Sorry…not sorry.
movie franchises:
I pride myself on having never seen a single Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, or Hunger Games movie. Though I
loved superhero comics and the Superman and the Batman TV series as a kid (the former mostly because it was my bonding tool with my big brother Jeff), the
Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman movies and The Dark Knight aside, I haven't seen any comics-based movies as an adult. I once dumped a
guy in part because his obsession with Transformers worried me, so I clearly take my aversion to this stuff very seriously.
Paris:
If you want to go to the South of France, I'm in. But beauty aside (all man-made, which makes it even more underwhelming than Rio), the City of Lights
might be one of the most boring places on earth. Once I've done the Louvre, Musee Picasso, and the garden at Musee Rodin, I'm over it. Runners-up: Rio, Venice,
and Montreal, though it's been a while since I last visited the latter, and it could possibly pull a Berlin-in-2013 and make me love it if I went now.
Stand-up comedy:
If I found someone standing on a stage trying to make me laugh either amusing or entertaining, I would have paid more attention during my brushes with
several pre-superstardom comics during my time at University of Florida. Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno and Jeff Foxworthy all performed at UF's Gator Growl, and
every year, I struggled to keep my eyes open. Zzzzz.
My four-and-half-year stint in Buenos Aires has finally come full circle more than four years later...I think.
Maybe it's half circle, for I'm back where I started a few years after my arrival in BA...but not quite. For a time while I was living there I wrote the Gay & Lesbian section in Time Out Buenos Aires's quarterly magazine, which was called Visitors at the time. Now, some six years later, I'm its main feature, the front page story...of the Gay & Lesbian section, not the Time Out Buenos Aires magazine.
Fun fact: Some of my editorial touches, remain, like this one, under "INFORMATION AND SAFETY":
"A word from the wise to the horny: male prostitutes (taxi boys, as they’re known in BA) continue to be an unavoidable – and illegal – fact of the city’s nightlife. So if you’re not leaving alone, choose your post-club escort carefully. Now get out and have fun!"
Mine, all mine.
The Q&A to the left represents a major accomplishment for me. It's more than a very nice plug for my book Is It True What They Say About Black Men?: Tales of Love, Lust and Language Barriers on the Other Side of the World. It's also a sort of coming home. Now if only I could get Time Out Melbourne and Time Out Bangkok on board, it would be the perfect threesome!
It's finally happened. The moment I once thought would arrive when I turned 30 has belatedly -- very belatedly -- come knocking.
And this moment of truth has brought with it a dose of hard, cold reality: I'd rather have all of my teeth pulled out with pliers and inserted into my
rectum than ever spend another night in a crowded (or even merely bustling) bar or pub.
Yes, I'm officially old, and I'm ready to embrace it. I have Zanzibar, billed as the best rooftop bar in Sydney, to thank for my new
unrepentant-homebody attitude.
Last night I met up with an acquaintance there, at his suggestion. At first, I had my reservations. Zanzibar is not exactly a hop and a skip away on foot.
I'd have to travel more than a few blocks to get there, and I was venturing into the great unknown, which I typically enjoy unless it requires changing
trains.
My colleagues at work all said I'd have a great time there, though, and it is in Newtown, Sydney's hipster central (though unlike Melbourne's
Fitzroy district, Cape Town's Observatory, and Buenos Aires's San Telmo, in an utterly mainstream Epcot Theme Park sort of way). I've been meaning to
branch out of my inner-Sydney social rut and a world without 1.30am lock-out laws, so I agreed to drinks there. Still, I couldn't shake those nagging reservations, which extended beyond the effort
it would require to get to Zanzibar.
How far I've come from the days when I loved discovering new bars and didn't mind dragging my ass halfway across town to get to them. Once upon a time, I
described myself as a barfly and meant it. Then on my birthday last month, I ducked out of a bar work party after one drink (Did I mention that parties have fallen out of my favor lately, too?) and
cancelled plans with a friend so that I could spend the night alone watching my American soaps on YouTube instead of making pointless small talk while
sipping champagne. That's when I realized this ex-barfly had lost his wings. I was grounded and ready to start my descent down Barstool Mountain.
With the exception of one memorable night at Sixth of May in Jerusalem two summers ago and a first date at an empty five-star hotel bar in 2012, I haven't really enjoyed myself there in years -- especially not after dark,
when all the other barflies start buzzing about. I hate the crowds, the pushing, the prodding, and the people stepping on my shoes, spilling drinks on my
clothes, and pointing their cigarettes in my face.
Is that supposed to be fun? To be honest, the only reason why I go to bars at all anymore is because I know that I'm unlikely to meet a decent guy while
I'm at home sitting on my couch (my favorite place in the world, regardless of where I happen to be calling home) or on Grindr. So off to the bar I
go…with no expectations, only a glimmer of hope.
Lately, the glimmer remains, but the motivation has more or less left the building. I already gave up clubbing years ago, and I doubt I'll ever step foot into the nightlife again if a dance floor is involved. I've continued to drag myself to bars, though with decreasing regularity. As I looked around at all the people who seemed to be having
such a good time at Zanzibar, I felt a pang of jealousy. That used to be me.
I can't say the thrill is completely gone. Windsor Castle in Melbourne is almost always a guaranteed blast, but that has everything to do with the
company I keep there and the fact that my friends and I always go on weekends during the day. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be on a Sunday afternoon
in Melbourne than with friends on the back patio at Windsor.
Alas, I haven't found my Windsor Castle in Sydney...or a group of friends I'm dying to spend Sunday afternoons with. Not yet.
At the start of last night, I hadn't given up trying. I was going to Zanzibar. I wasn't crazy about the island off the coast of Tanzania when I went last
year, but perhaps this Zanzibar would be more to my liking.
I couldn't believe I was going to a rooftop bar in the middle of winter. Oh well, this is Sydney, a city where people are prone to eating on the sidewalk and
running around in shorts and t-shirts in June, apparently oblivious to the fact that summer's long gone. But when in Sydney...
So up up up I went, to Zanzibar's rooftop bar. The place itself was nothing special. As seems to be custom in Sydney, the patrons were attractive, the
bartenders attentive but unengaging, and the decor makeshift. The latter was a mix of tacky and tropical, with a big-screen TV on which a football match was
playing, three plastic flamingos plastered on the wall, and several heating lamps intended to ward off the chills but only making me wish I was in front of a
fireplace...at home.
I kept thinking how much I would have loved this place circa 1995, maybe even in 2010. It reminded me of one of the rooftop bars I used to go to in Buenos
Aires with Mariem and Cara. The only thing missing was Mariem and Cara...and the surplus of energy I still had in 2010.
The drunk girl didn't help, though I probably would have LOVED her in 2008. In fact, I met someone just like her on my birthday that year who turned out to
be one of the biggest nightmares of my four and a half years in Buenos Aires. But I was absolutely enthralled with that one in the beginning. Yes, she was brash
and aggressive, but at least she was entertaining.
Seven years later, a drunk person slurring and talking at me is no longer entertaining. Last night's girl -- woman, for she appeared to be at
least in her mid-thirties -- was just annoying. Sure I appreciated all of the compliments she was throwing my way, but I could have lived without the
constant puckering up. It's not like I didn't tell her right away that I'm gay, but then, I doubt she would have demanded kisses from a straight guy. I can
kind of see why Stephan Jenkins from Third Eye Blind once joked that I only pretend I'm gay to get girls. I'm surprised more straight guys don't play that
angle. Ugh. Bar tactics.
But I'm not really interested in meeting girls. I'm still interested in meeting guys, but it's been ages, perhaps years, since I've met an interesting one
in a bar. So there goes that motivation.
I have no desire to talk over loud music, constantly having to lean in and ask people to repeat themselves. Last night at Zanzibar I didn't even
bother to do that. I could barely make out the Aussie accent of the guy I was there with, and at a certain point, I gave up and just nodded and laughed when
his vocal modulations suggested it was time to do so. Haha...so funny. I probably spent more time looking at the hot footballers on TV than I did looking him in the eye.
At 10pm, I announced that it was time for me to bolt. A few years ago, I wouldn't even have showered to go out until 11. Now 10pm might as well be
way past midnight!
I think I may just have to make peace with giving up my cool cred. I had a good run, but I've earned the right to bow out of bar hopping gracefully. I've earned
the right to be able to tell my colleagues that I have no nighttime plans for the weekend and not feel so guilty for not being more social. I work hard. I
work out...sometimes. Every day I earn the right to spend my evenings sitting on my couch writing, reading or watching American TV on my computer. Right?
Right. If anyone's looking for me tonight, that's probably exactly where I'll be.
5 great bar songs (If only more bars had better music...or a jukebox) "Please Mr. Please" Olivia Newton-John "Barstool Mountain" Moe Bandy
"I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home" David Frizzell
