I'M NOT FEELING YOU

Today I'm in an even more hyper-critical mood than usual. So pardon me while I vent. Here are 11 things I just don't get.

1. TV show: 30 Rock. Not once has this sitcom ever made me laugh. Not even let out a chuckle. I think Alec Baldwin is brilliant, not because he's funny but because his take on egomaniacal media types is so spot on. Runner up: Scrubs. The most inexplicably long-running show since Coach. Time to put us all out of our misery and pull the plug. Which reminds me, is My Name Is Earl still on?
2. Actress: Laura Linney. Watching her accept award after award for her portrayal of Abigail Adams in the HBO TV miniseries John Adams confirmed what I've long suspected: She's dull as dirt. An excellent actress, for sure, cool, calm, collected and beautiful. But as she gave one dry and tasteful acceptance speech after another, I could see why she'll never win the Oscar: She's got absolutely zero rooting value.
3. Actor: James Spader. I know he gets nominated for the Emmy, the Golden Globe and the SAG award every single year (or so it would seem), but is Boston Legal even still on?
4. Singer (Female): Pink. Interestingly, the only Pink albums I've ever loved were her 2000 debut (which sounds like it might have been released by an entirely different singer) and 2003's brilliant flop Try This, her one true authentic rock & roll moment. Her supposedly "edgy" hits are as pop as any of Britney Spears's recent hits, just not as good.
5. Singer (Male): Ricky Martin. No one cares about his music anymore, which is why that recent People magazine cover with him flaunting his newborn twin boys (via surrogate) raised my eyebrows. Even more eyebrow-raising: that he had to go the immaculate conception route in the first place. Who is he: Jodie Foster? Hint hint.
6. Tango (the dance and the music). Newsflash! Tango is not as quintessentially Argentine as you might think. The only people who really care about it are tourists and the locals who want their money. Almost every porteño I know (and trust me, I know more than a few), would rather shake shake shake shake shake shake shake their booties to the decidedly cheerier strains of hip hop, '80s pop and--gasp!--electronica. Which reminds me... Runner up: Electronica. More effective than Ambien!
7. Comfort food: Chocolate. Give me a potato chip, a French fry or a 1/4 kilo of helado (my brand new lover) any day. The appeal of chocolate, this bitter fruit that brings grown women (and some men) to their knees escapes me. As yucky guilty pleasures go, it's right up there with coffee, which I've never actually tasted but smells like it would be even more vile than passing the mate cup.
8. Leisure pursuit: Camping. Once again, I've never actually experienced it--but why do I have to? I don't have to sleep outside on the hard ground, breathing in the humid summer air, swatting bugs out of my face to know that I'd rather be snoozing in the comfort of my soft, cool, comfortable queen-size bed, meters away from a state-of-the-art loo (complete with bidet). There really is no place like home. Runner-up: Sunbathing. Even if the end-result wasn't premature wrinkling and potential skin cancer, I wouldn't see the appeal in voluntarily burning oneself to a crisp.
9. Beverage: Red, red wine. Okay, the taste is starting to grow on me, but do I really want to spend all night running around with purple-stained lips? Runner up: Red Bull, Speed and all other energy drinks. Why don't you just binge on a giant slab of steak, a few friend eggs and a side of large French fries, and wait for the heart attack to hit.
10. City: Paris. As the title of the 1995 Billy Crystal/Debra Winger romantic comedy (which was inexplicably on TV the other afternoon) said, forget Paris. And not just because the people there are rude and crude. Sure the Louvre is spectacular as is the Notre Dame cathedral and the Eiffel Tower (from a distance... at night), but for me, the sights are not what makes a city interesting. Give me energy and excitement or give me a plane ticket back home. Being in Paris is a lot like sleeping with the most beautiful but boring lover in the world.
11. Song: "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson. My life would rock if I never had to listen to this lame, lazy "Since You've Been Gone" knock-off ever again.