5 Reasons Why Paris Hilton's "Good Time" Might Be the Worst Thing I've Seen/Heard Since Miley Cyrus at the VMAs

1. The first single from Paris Hilton's upcoming second album sort of makes Miley Cyrus look like a trailblazing artiste. True confession: I'm still not 100 percent certain what exactly constitutes a twerk. Isn't it basically bumping and grinding, or dry humping? But having sat through Miley committing that particular visual felony, I think I'd rather watch her gyrate her boyish body into a feed-me frenzy than watch Paris Hilton -- yellow-blonde hair draped over one shoulder like fake fur, lashes looking like they were painted around her eyes whenever she opens them -- touching herself in the most hackneyed, un-provocative ways. "Wrecking Ball" never looked so sexy. "We Can't Stop" never sounded better.

2. "Good Time" packs every party cliche known to dancing queens into its running time of three minutes and 36 seconds. The generic title and the recycled-for-the-billionth-time techno riffs are bad enough, but how can anyone take seriously a pop record that includes a tired line like "I came here just to party," the phrase "hate on me," and a chorus that goes "Are you having a good time?/'Cause I'm having a good time/And I might be a bit tipsy/That's okay 'cause you're with me"? Her heavily treated voice singing such dreck-ful lines makes Paris, 32, sound like a 17-year-old dancing around her bedroom in pajamas, making up the whole thing as she goes along. At least she'd be dressed for the occasion. Yawn.

3. It confirms what I've suspected for years: Rappers will do anything for money. And apparently the folks at the helm of Cash Money Records think they can make a lot of it off of Paris Hilton, whose new single the rap label released on October 8. Why else would they sign her? But I hope guest rapper Lil Wayne received payment for his rap cameo up front. I'm not sure if the omnipresent rapper who, apparently, has never met a recording artist whose single he wouldn't guest-star on, is laughing at or with Paris Hilton when he raps "I walked up to her big butt and asked her ass, 'Butt what?'," butt -- I mean, but considering the risk he's taking with his already-shaky street cred, I'd say the joke is probably on him.

4. I know Paris Hilton can do at least a little better. Yeah, I'll admit it. Though it never enjoyed a spot on my iPod, I didn't think "Stars Are Blind," the first single from Paris's 2006 debut album Paris was so bad, nor was the Paris album track "Screwed." That probably has more to do with the fact that the prevailing pop trends that Paris and Paris were following seven years ago were far superior to the EDM bandwagon "Good Time" is jumping on today, the one that has turned the dance floor into the dullest place to be in nightclubs all around the world.

5. The song and video make Paris seem like more of an anachronism than she was on October 7. Even if she hadn't released such a dated-sounding/looking song/video the following day, she'd still feel like a relic from the distant past (the early '00s), Amanda Bynes, Snooki, Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashians and the aforementioned Miley Cyrus have seen to that. So the least she could have done with "Good Time," was party like it's 2013, not 1999.