EMMY AND ME

Thank God the Sony Channel isn't dubbing tonight's Emmy telecast in Spanish. When Grey Gardens's Drew Barrymore or Jessica Lange get onstage to give their acceptance speech (and you just know that one of them will), I want to hear them speaking, not some anonymous Spanish chick.

I know I'm not supposed to admit to watching -- and liking -- Two And A Half Men, but I am thrilled that Jon Cryer won Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. And how annoyed did Kevin Dillon look? I'm not sure what makes Jon supporting when the show is as much about his character as it is about Charlie Sheen's, but I'll take what I can get (so, apparently, will Jon).

I already have to see Justin Timberlake at the Grammys, the VMAs and the American Music Awards. Now that he's an Emmy winner (best male guest star in a comedy for his irregular appearances on Saturday Night Live), am I going to have to see him every year at one more award show? He looks really cute in those glasses, though.

Toni Collette, Best Actress in a Comedy Series!!!!! Need I say more than I already did (here)?

Doogie Howser's sore-loser running gag is kind of cute, but I can tell it's not going to age well. Give it a rest now, Neil.

Why are they showing clips of the Best Actor in a Comedy Series nominees but none of the others? Oh well, I said it before, and I'll say it again: I'll take what I can get.

Ugh! Reality TV! I hate reality TV, but at least they're playing Britney's "Circus."

Mmm, Jeff Probst. I remember once when I was an editor at Entertainment Weekly, Jeff Probst wandered into my office by accident. He blinded me with science. Yum! I still don't care about the reality TV awards.

Tracy Morgan looks weird.... Is The Amazing Race still on the air?

Shohreh Aghdashloo! I've never heard of the movie, but I've loved her since she lost the Oscar to Renée Zellweger. When you have actresses like her, Cicely Tyson, Janet McTeer and Marcia Gay Harden in a category, why rush through the reading of the nominees? Let's see some clips, please.

The nominees in the supporting categories are so random. I haven't thought about some of them in years. So this is what actors like Tom Courtenay are up to now that the film roles have dried up.

Ken Howard. Nice. He's been around forever, and it's nice that he's still working hard. I remember watching him on The White Shadow in the '70s. And sans toupee, he appeared on an episode of The Golden Girls as a widower who wouldn't make a move on Blanche. I had no idea about the kidney thing. By the way, Bob Newhart looks really old.

Jessica Lange. Drew Barrymore. Shirley MacLaine. Sigourney Weaver. This is as good as the Oscars, and we still get no clips? Shame! I thought Drew would win. Looking at Jessica Lange makes me acutely aware of how many years have passed since Tootsie. She seems genuinely thrilled and kind of surprised that her award-winning days aren't over yet. Still, I think a Drew win would have made for a better Emmy moment.

I'm bored. Wake me when we get to the dramatic acting categories.

So many long clips in the variety categories, and nothing of all the film stars in the movies and miniseries categories. Makes no sense to me.

Sarah McLachlan looks and sounds gorgeous. I'm ready for a new album.

I had no idea that Dom DeLuise died.... I think clapping for dead celebrities and turning In Memoriam into a sort of post-mortem popularity contest is kind of icky, but why so little applause for Farrah Fawcett?

Glenn Close again? Yes!!! She's gotta be the sexiest sixtysomething this side of Helen Mirren. For most of the '80s up until I discovered Juliette Binoche in the early '90s, she was my favorite actress. Now I just wish some smart director would hand her a movie role that would finally get her the Oscar she deserved for Dangerous Liaisons, Fatal Attraction and Reversal Of Fortune.

Bryan Cranston again? Hmm... I thought John Hamm had it in the bag. But when they aren't giving Emmy after Emmy to Helen Hunt, Candice Bergen, Michael J. Fox and Kelsey Grammar, the Emmys can be the least predictable of the major award shows -- at least in the acting categories. I watched an episode of Breaking Bad once, and Bryan made a stronger impression than he ever did on Malcolm In The Middle.

30 Rock, Best Comedy Series. Yawn.

Unlike Jessica Lange, Sigourney Weaver seems to have stopped the hands of time. ¡Increible!
Sometime before next year's Emmys I'm going to have to finally check out Mad Men. One could do a lot worse than spending an hour looking at John Hamm.

That's it. Game over. Doogie, I mean Neil Patrick Harris was a serviceable host, and he managed to keep the show down to a taut three hours, but there was nothing special about him, not one particularly memorable moment. Next year I think they should hire Ricky Gervais and Steve Carrell to co-host. If that doesn't make the Emmys must-see TV, nothing will.