Saturday, November 28, 2009


Before I moved to Buenos Aires, my life was never dull, but for the most part, my emails, phone messages and text messages from guys were borderline snoozefests. (This was, at least for me, before instant messaging, online dating and the virtual obsolescence of voice mail.) Nowadays, they provide some of my greatest entertainment -- and not just for the grammatical slip ups that I recently wrote about in WRITE AND WRONG. Porteños will say just about anything -- and they often do!

In New York, after a one-night stand or after meeting someone in a bar or club, they usually take several days to contact you. (The Rules! The Rules!) And when they finally do, you get the basics: Hey. What's up? Great meeting you last night. Want to grab a drink this weekend?" Case closed.

In BA, where calling or texting hours after the first meeting is not uncommon or considered too eager, every "hola" is followed by "lindo" or "hermoso" or "bonito" or "belleza." My friend Rob recently got one that was followed by "lindura." Is that even a word?!?! In the United States, the only time you hear "Hello, gorgeous" is when you rent the DVD of Funny Girl.

I'm not complaining. I'm alternately frustrated and fascinated by these particular porteño rules of attraction, and after three years, I've learned how to respond to them -- if I respond. And I'm just glad that no one seems to be asking about the size of my penis anymore. I don't know who sent out the memo, but thank you!

Of course, one of the most popular porteño lines is "¿Cuando nos vemos?" (Translation: When am I going to see you?) I must get that one a thousand times a day. The problem with it is if you have to ask, in English or in Spanish, it usually means never. Some guys have been asking me for months now. Someone assertive with a burning desire to see you makes a date suggestion out of the box. Fire and desire gets me every time.

Here is a sampling of some of the wildest messages I've received in the past 24 hours (via text, email, Facebook, IM, and online meet/meat markets). I'll skip the ones earlier in the week from Enzo, an 18-year-old kid I stumbled across last weekend while out with friends. He never met a word he wouldn't misspell, and sentence structure means nothing to him. His three-day attraction to me grew so fatal-seeming that after he invited me to his home, Rob warned me, "If you go, he will either rob you or kill you." I stopped responding to Enzo. Eventually, he got the message -- or rather, not getting a message sent him the message.

Note: In the messages below, listed in the order or ridiculousness (least to most), I've cleaned up the grammar and spelling, for the sake of clarity, because few porteños that I've met use punctuation.

  • "Quiero hacer el amor contigo. ¿Te animas?... Me gustaste mucho." This one, whom I met last night in a club, is telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to make love to me. Straightforward and direct. Alas, he's never gonna get it (my lovin').

  • "Tengo ganas de ver sus piernas. ¿Tenes una foto en slips? Es lo que mas me gusta de un hombre." This one wants to see my legs because it's his favorite part of the male form. Unfortunately for him, they are not the best part of my male form.

  • "Mas temprano o mas tarde voy a chupar la pija." Sooner or later, he declares, he is going to suck my dick. Charming.

  • ¿Cuando puedo lamer tus axilas?" When can he lick my underarms? Does he kiss his mother with that mouth?
Where do they come up with this stuff? As I said before, at least it's entertaining -- and off the tried-and-not-so-true porteño script!
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