LOVE STINKS

Speaking of "Don't Wanna Fall In Love," boy, can I relate! Right now, love and I are not exactly on speaking terms. It might be a long time before I utter its name again. A very good friend of mine is currently going through a painful divorce, and considering that I was there the night the soon-to-be-exes met and was even in the wedding party, it's been particularly painful to watch. (Note to friends and family: Think twice before you invite me to be in your wedding. Of the three weddings in which I was part of the wedding party, only one is ongoing.)

My checkered romantic record doesn't help matters. Right now, the name of my game is fun fun fun. Fun and games. If love does comes knocking on my door, sure, I'll answer, but I'm not planning on leaving the porch light on. In celebration of my new romantic outlook, here are nine of my favorite down-on-love songs.

• "After You": Shara Nelson "After you after you after you, I close the door. Ain't no one getting in." Amen to that.
• "Fast Love": George Michael An excellent musical argument in favor of the one-night stand.
• "Fast As You Can": Fiona Apple I told you I was trouble...
• "I Don't Want A Lover": Texas ...I just need a friend.
• "If Love Is A Red Dress (Hang Me In Rags)": Maria McKee Devastatingly beautiful as the song is, don't try this at home, folks. After all, looking good is the best revenge.
• "I'll Never Fall In Love Again": Dionne Warwick Dionne doesn't sound particularly convincing, but as resolutions go, this one's as good as any.
• "I'm Not In Love": 10CC If anyone falls, press play and repeat.
• "No More I Love You's" Annie Lennox What becomes of the brokenhearted?
• "What's Love Got To Do With It?": Tina Turner Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?