Wednesday, August 19, 2009


So the B- to D-list cast of next season's Dancing With The Stars has been revealed, and although I could live without so many professional athletes in the mix (four), it's nice to see that the producers are aiming a little bit higher -- just a little bit -- for the show's ninth season, which begins on September 21.

I mean, you could do slightly worse than former US House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. Namely, Ashley Hamilton, who is being billed as a comedian, though the funniest thing he did in his less than 15 minutes of psuedo-fame was marry Shannen Doherty, who, come to think of it, may have ended up on Dancing's floor had the new Beverly Hills 90210 not saved her from that certain fate. Alas, that show came too late to come to the rescue of Jennie Garth, who competed in the fifth season.

Now that Dancing has snagged Aaron Carter, can Backstreet Boy Nick Carter be far behind? And would that mean there'd be no chance of seeing Howie Dorough on a future season? By accepting a judges spot on Randy Jackson's America's Best Dance Crew, N*SYNC's JC Chasez also seems to have accepted the fact that he's no Justin (although he's arguably a better singer). Is Dancing With The Stars in his future? Two of his former group mates -- Lance Bass and Joey Fatone -- already did the show (no doubt Chris Kirkpatrick would now be aiming to low). It could give him the career boost he's been angling for. Look what it did for America's Best Dance Crew host Mario Lopez, Dancing's season three's runner-up? All that and a Saved By The Bell reunion, too (albeit only for a People magazine photo shoot)!

With Mya, they've scored an early '00s pop star who even appeared in a Best Picture Oscar winner (Chicago), and with Macy Gray, a Grammy winner with music cred. Chances are that Eve, Ashanti, TLC's T'Boz and Chilli and Courtney Love are just one unreleased record away from signing on Dancing's dotted line? Christina Milian could be Ashanti's mid-season replacement after Ashanti drops out due to a toe splinter. Brandy and Monica are probably a flop away; Janet Jackson, two. Personally, I'd much rather see LaToya's ballroom moves.

I predict Jessica Simpson will soon be putting on her Dancing shoes. Nick Lachey probably wouldn't go anywhere near that dance floor, since his kid brother Drew already took the grand prize during the second season. (Donny Osmond, another ninth season contender, obviously doesn't mind following in sister Marie's dance steps.) And Ashlee Simpson, who could use the boost as much as any of the above, probably deems it well beneath her. A delusion of grandeur indeed.

Paging Lindsay Lohan?

Kathy Ireland, Melissa Joan Hart and Kelly Osbourne are right up Dancing's alley, but who wouldn't trade Kelly for Ozzy? Just picture the "Prince of Darkness" attempting the foxtrot. And poor Debi Mazar. I can still remember a few weeks in the early '90s when this friend of Madonna actually seemed to have celebrity potential. But Hollywood never quite figured out what to do with her star quality. I predict an ultimate showdown between her and Mya, with Mya, who hoofed up a storm in "Cell Block Tango," one of Chicago's most memorable sequences (watch), taking the prize.

Don't fret, Debi, it's an honor just to be nominated.
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